Letters that my friends will never send

NUMBER 1

Dear________

I just wanted to tell you that I understand. I do. You might not think that I possibly could, so I want to tell you that you’re wrong. I understand. I understand how hard it must be to be you right now. I understand how much you must hate yourself for what you’re doing. I understand that you never meant for anyone to get hurt.

A lot of people have told me that I’ve been “played.” I want you to know that I know that’s not the case. I know that you thought you were for real. I know that the emotion took you down like a tidal wave. I know you never saw the undercurrent coming. I know that you’ve never lied to me…not on purpose.

And listen, one last thing before this gets rough, I want you to know that I don’t hate you. In fact, there’s a stupid, stubborn part of me that still loves you. Probably always will.

But as much as I get you, know you, and hell, maybe even love you, much as I understand your position, understand the rock and hard place you’re squeezed between, I still can’t fucking believe it. I can’t believe that I got burned this bad. I can’t believe I blinked. My eyes were momentarily closed, and I woke up through the windshield. I never even saw it coming. Now I’ve gotta clean up this mess, and here’s where I can’t help but resent you, because I shouldn’t have to do it alone.

When we were together, I never thought I would be alone again.

I thought that we could stay there, in that moment, and that everything would be okay. I let my guard down. And here we are, because it turns out, life didn't stop for us, did it? And there you are, whistling like it doesn't even bother you. Like you weren't there, too. Like you never felt a thing. I know that it’s not easy; I know that it’s a front. But man, I despise you just for fronting. Because I never can again.

So I’m just wondering, when are the consequences gonna be real for you? When is something not gonna go your way? When are you gonna actually have to sleep in the bed you made? When will your charm get tired and your luck run out? I’ll be waiting. And then, for once, you'll know how I feel.

I know you're scared. I know you're scared to look at youself in the mirror because you hate yourself. But do us both a favor, stop hating and start making right. It's the only way back.

Much love, you’ll need it.